Monday, August 25, 2008

Well now...

I don't really want to write this. It's not that it's upsetting or anything, I just have no desire to blog for some reason. But I'll do it anyway. Because Spara's updated his blog (which I can barely look at as it causes my computer to splutter) and instead put something vaguely interesting rather than "ooh woe, absinthe gives me a hangover". Get over it, you drunk! I only had one hangover in my entire life (and it was probably food poisoning after I ate a potplant... what a party that was!) and I did not complain. Oh yeah, even when my skull has shattered and been put back together wrong, my moral highground doesn't waver.

Let me tell you about Lewis Hall. Lewis Hall is... well, to be blunt, a guy I know. He's a "friend" of my dad. In the sense he's a completely idiotic dickhead my dad can't seem to get rid off - rather like Blackadder and Percy. And, well don't think I'm bigging myself up here, he considers me an intellectual threat. More to the point, he considered me an intellectual threat when I was seven. He got the impression I despised him. And I didn't. I didn't give him enough thought to despise him, and he was kind enough to bring food around like some pagan offering to a god. Despite the fact he has a full life (compared to me anyroads), he seems desperate to hang around my parents. I know of one occasion where he drove to our neck of the woods and just went around the block in circles until someone was home. It's more sad than creepy and I have endeavoured to be as polite and friendly as possible to the guy. I'm a real softie due to my shoddy emotional empathy (oh, Johnny Howard, why? WHY??!), so I think it's the least I can do.

But, anyway, on Friday he comes round with a DVD he's burned - the Rolling Stones film. My dad likes the Rolling Stones, but not a real obsession. Lewis though uses this as a basis of all communication, as if we can only think in terms of Mick an Keef. Anyway, I put it into the living room DVD player... and it spits it out, saying it cannot be read.

This is by no means unusual - like most technology in my house, the DVD player has a personality. It chooses seemingly at random at what it wants to play. Thirteen episodes of Torchwood seemed to be the final straw, and after Planet of the Ood decided to put a bouncer into what would and wouldn't play. Sometimes it would change its mind. Twice.

Anyway, I go to the dining area with the DVD player there (oh, what decadence) and try it there. The machine switches off and smoke starts pouring out it... which is by every means unsusual. So, as I look at the DVD player doing its very best impression of the Torchwood Hub, I demand to know what the hell is up with this disc? Lewis reveals he got it from Mexico and hasn't tried it out yet. I reveal he's blown up my bloody DVD player. He laughs like a stoner. My dad however can tell I am, how shall we say, not happy with this.

I try and prise the top off the DVD player and slide out the disc. Lewis continues to giggle at this, despite the fact that basically he's screwed up our little lifestyle - apart from everything else, the ex-DVD player was the one that played everything the proper-DVD player wouldn't. This means we basically cannot watch any DVDs or even TV in the kitchen area. On a Friday Night. At the end of Book Week (far more important than Vashta Nerada for librarians believe you me). With Double the Fist on.

Lewis looks at me and with that wonderful monosyllable "So?" pretty much makes me snap.

Literally.

Snap.

I held up his precious DVD betwixt my thumb and forefinger and I began to squeeze. After seven seconds it splintered into four irregular shards. Not saying a word I dropped the shards atop his greying curly hair, turned and left to tidy up the remains. In the next room I hear the conversation rather awkwardly return... mostly on the fact I had taken the Leatherman (a sort of swiss army knife with a very sharp knife attachment) with me and was not in a happy mood.

Lewis left shortly afterwards.

I stress it was his attitude that pissed me off. Blowing up DVD players by accident, well, that's life. It refused to play Robin Hood anyway. I could cope with that. But he just seemed to think that wrecking a chunk of my home was a source of amusement. And this is a guy who my dad told me, minutes before entering our house, was throwing empty beer bottles onto the railway line. Not very mature behaviour for a schoolteacher, huh?

So. We now have a new DVD player. One that works 100%. And has black buttons marked in black on a black background that light up black... and we have a set top box. Similar black marked in black. We can now watch ABC2. Not that there's anything wrong. Bar the ability to see a few jazz concerts and Double the Fist a day early, I'd call it an expensive and pointless paperweight.

Well, quite. I can't think of a moral or a point to this. Except it amazed my dad who took great, great pleasure in retelling it to my mum... with a couple of additions like me trying to slit Lewis' throat, force feeding him the broken DVD, and literally throwing him out the front door with a litany of death threats based upon a speech from Tom Jones (not the singer, the book).

Yeah.

I've nearly finished my manga picture of Empire of the Daleks ("Is that poofter supposed to be the Doctor?" my dad sneered goodnaturedly of my Manga-Coburn Doc).

The only other really interesting thing was me finding a youtube vid of a strange stage musical that begins with Captain Jack Harkness finding three Movellans in his bedroom dancing to KLF's Doctor in the Tardis... and joining in with a camp display that would put Paul Darrow and Kieth Allan to shame.

And there's no answer to that, is there?

5 comments:

Jared "No Nickname" Hansen said...

FULL FIST!

I know the feeling all too well, and I would have done exactly the same thing in your position, but probably with more swearing and dramatics.

For some reason this story reminded me of the time when my brother apparently found his first DVD ROM lying in plastic wrap in a trainstation. We didn't see any reason to doubt this story, odd though it may have been, and I was happy because I would finally be able to play Zork: Grand Inquisitor (Except it was SOLD OUT! Motherfucker!)

But then, one night a week or two later, a strange car pulled up in our driveway. This is very odd in our neck of the woods considering that we live half an hours drive from the nearest excuse for civilisation and a full hour from Gosford, the nearest one that counts. Out comes a guy that strongly resembles the janitor in RD: Back to Reality who walks right into our living room and says "Hey, mate, can I use your phone?"

My dad's eyes say "Yes", though his eyes say "Give me a good reason NOT to kill you" The guy then asks what our address is. My dad's eyes tell that this is not a good reason but he gives him the address regardless.

The bloke picks up the phone and, I kid you not, speaks these immortal words:

"Hello? Can I have the police? Thank you.... yes, hello. I'm here in the house of some people who have stolen my DVD player..."

Incredibly, he did leave the house alive. And he got the DVD-ROM back. I still have no idea what the full story was there.

It also threw me right off my homework.

Jared "No Nickname" Hansen said...

Oh, yeah, did you get to see DTF on Friday? I got a copy...

Youth of Australia said...

Wow. What an arsehole. I still wonder how the hell he found you in the first place when he didn't even know where he was...

But yeah, I managed to catch it and have been growling, "FENG SHUI, STEVE!!!" at random moments. I cannot think of comedic brilliance greater than the ghost of Womp's tamagotchi contacting him, Obi Wan Kenobe style...

And Tara Vending-Machine-Ninja-Warrior is a new regular! YEAHHH!!

Jared "No Nickname" Hansen said...

Wow. What an arsehole. I still wonder how the hell he found you in the first place when he didn't even know where he was...

Hmm. Another mystery to add to the incredible oddness of that night. Maybe he stopped in at every house on the road before he found us?

But yeah, I managed to catch it and have been growling, "FENG SHUI, STEVE!!!" at random moments.

My parents were too WEAK to stay up to quarter-past-11 so I'm the only one in the household who's seen it. So sadly I've been unable to quote that bit, but it's been in my mind constantly.

I loved the way that Mephisto uncharacteristically saved everyone's lives, and got punched in the face for it.

I cannot think of comedic brilliance greater than the ghost of Womp's tamagotchi contacting him, Obi Wan Kenobe style...

*Sigh*, aw man 'twas perfection. It's the antlers and the cry of "Responsibility!" that did it for me.

And Tara Vending-Machine-Ninja-Warrior is a new regular! YEAHHH!!

...is she? Or is that just wishful thinking on your part?

She is assume though. I loved that tokens only gag. And the delivering the message bit.

Hell, the entire EP was perfect!

Youth of Australia said...

Hmm. Another mystery to add to the incredible oddness of that night. Maybe he stopped in at every house on the road before he found us?
"Hello, police? Yes, it's me again. No, wrong house again. I'll keep in touch,"

My parents were too WEAK to stay up to quarter-past-11 so I'm the only one in the household who's seen it.
Wow. My parents insisted on staying up for it.

So sadly I've been unable to quote that bit, but it's been in my mind constantly.
I think it's the way he grins as he speaks, so the pronunciation required deranged smiles.

I loved the way that Mephisto uncharacteristically saved everyone's lives, and got punched in the face for it.
And I noticed he and the Womp weren't happy when Rod won the fist again. Methinks this will have consequences.

*Sigh*, aw man 'twas perfection. It's the antlers and the cry of "Responsibility!" that did it for me.
It's amazing Tamagotchis are now retro nostalgia...

...is she? Or is that just wishful thinking on your part?
She's on the website under the Fist Team. Apparently she has to work for Steve since he has the coupons to work her.

And the mime's a regular too.

Hell, the entire EP was perfect!
I must say I think the 'mystical energy out of the fountain killing the robot' went on too long before Mephisto explained it. We had already twigged what it was, so the joke was a bit flat.

But the tinfoil hats were fucking genius...