Zygon Pornography!

...for when "Abducted by Daleks" just isn't enough!

"I can understand Zygon porn up to a point as it involves tight rubbery things."
- Sparacus

Yes, thanks to my own cunning I have managed to enter the Valhalla of Doctor Who sites, TinDog, and already stagger under weight of amazing goodies I have found there. Doctor Who Yearbooks! Every single Target novelization! Soldiers of Love (yeah, I wondered what the hell that was too)! The script for The Dark Dimension!

And, eventually, Zygon - the award-losing sequel to Cyberon as part of Bill Baggs' increasing pathetic vendetta against Big Finish for splitting up the Audio Visual gang and stealing all the top talent. Of course, now Doctor Who is back and famous, these tie-in products are more redundant than ever, especially when the biggest draw they have is the actress showing her boobs off on the cover (of course, she has to look completely terrified to kill the mood, doesn't she?) rather than, say, a Zygon, maybe?

It's taken around eight years for Zygon to hit the shelves. Was it down to BBV's increasing incompetence and irrelevence? The full frontal nudity? The fact that no one was interested after Cyberon's brilliant idea of not actually featuring any Cybermen or anything like it and focussing on a blonde woman's relationship troubles? Dude, if I want Single Female Lawyer action, I'll watch Channel 9. If I get a Doctor Who tie-in movie, I want some fricken monsters, OK?

Perhaps it's the realization they cannot provide half-decent Doctor Who material that has made them replace that with porn, split delicately between the same late-30s-blonde-medic-wonders-where-her-life-is-going soapudramamentry. Yes, Lauren's back, boys and girls. Only two years after she stabbed her boyfriend to death to stop him initiating a Cyberman invasion (except, um, it didn't work... so shouldn't we all be slaves of the Cyber cause now?), she's working in a mental ward talking with some young chap who has dreams that he's actually a shape-shifting Zygon monster.

Mmm. I think that's the entirety of the plot out of the way. I mean, what do you add to that? Of course he's a bloody Zygon! It's the only reason anyone would watch this! But no, let's pretend no one has ever heard of the blobby bastards (even though everyone who's watching it will know) and have Lauren try to work out the truth herself, cause she's so closed-minded after the whole Cyberman invasion thing.

In less than a minute into the show, we get to see a guy naked. Yay. Just goes to remind me why I'm heterosexual. But it's really stupid as we see guy in stupid CGI fractal screensaver mode, pan down from his head as he starts to do the lava-lamp-transmogrification, but hastily reverse back to humanity in time to see his bollocks. Near miss there, isn't it?

Thankfully it isn't long before Keith Drinkel turns up. Stalwart of the BBVs, he's only really memorable for being Scobie the pilot in Time-Flight (you know, the one with the porn star moustache who might have been a before-they-were-famous Rik Mayall - mind you, he now looks like Eccleston's granddad). Against the horrible and tedious 'realism' of the main cast, Drinkel is a supernovae of Kieth Allen insanity, as he skips up to Lauren, gets her in a headlock, orders her to get Zygon-boy's memory back and skips away again, as if possed by a mixture of Tom Baker and David Tennant. He's obviously a Zygon himself, but he's a damn sight more interesting and entertaining than what's on offer.

Lauren meanwhile starts going off about how Zygon-boy is just a nutter and lives out wierd fantasies of being someone else in all Fraudien drama. And how does she do this? By going to the women's changing room and staring at her friend's tits as she changes - pity the actress was chosen for her impressive glands rather than her acting ability. Lauren shows what a rotten porno this is by immediately waffling on about her relationships than having a quickie with her fellow psych nurse. "Have you gone all pervy and started thinking about women's breasts?" deadpans god's gift to acting. What, was Lauren normally focussed on male breasts instead, was she?

Anyway, in case you hadn't noticed, Lauren is a neurotic work-junkie and Boob Woman (sorry, but no one seems to have a name in this) and her Supervisor (definitely someone from the AVs but I dunno who cause I've never seen them before) decide that working 730 days straight without any time off is making Lauren go crazy and she is ordered to take six weeks vacation. So she decides to court Zygon-boy in her own free time. Luckily her gay flatmate/link to reality from the last film has buggered off for the evening and she and Zygon-boy can get completely pissed and do the nasty. Wow, just like she did with her last alien boyfriend. Methinks you have issues, Lauren.

(And seriously, Jo Castleton is not what I'd think of casting the lead in a blue film like this. I'm not saying she's ugly, but the makeup people seem to want her to look like she hasn't slept since she turned forty-five. She is a "before" photo, not an "after" photo if you get my drift. Oh well, back to the shagging.)

Only ten minutes into the film and the bonking is about to start (helped no doubt by the fact someone's stuck a new condom to the front door with a post-it saying "IT'S ONLY DINNER". Conflicting messages much?) and with the lady in question showing the most disappointing rack since Helen Baxendale. What a let down. Anyway, the plot tries to get back on track when Zygon-boy's wondering hand starts glowing when it goes anywhere near Lauren's arse. Awkward. But they get back to the shagging soon enough. Why would glowing body parts kill the passion, I ask you?

Having gone straight to the sex, we now get the funky "relationship montage" as mood music plays and they visit a mind-numbing variety of outdoor cafes, recite dialogue from Terror of the Zygons (well, that's what they SEEM to be saying - where else do you mention "organic crystallography"?), then get back to the sex. God that music is awful. But then Zygon-boy has to do something new and unusual with his glow-in-the-dark hands. That's right, strangle his girlfriend! Hell, if she can forgive your radioactive digits on her skin, a bit of autoerotic asphyxiation should be a doddle, surely?

Seems not this time as she feels compelled to hide behind the sofa, and frankly that's probably the best place as nekid Zygon-Boy leaps about the place trying to... actually what the hell IS he trying to do? Appeal to the Gay Agenda? And I notice the woman is the one wearing the dressing gown. Tragic. Anyway, after Zygon-Boy nearly breaks her wrist trying to drag her back to bed, Lauren can only tearfully tell her love "It'll be OK" as she runs for it. More conflicting messages.

Meanwhile, some cartoon drawings of a Zygon glow with pure evil. Riiiiiiiiiiiiight.

Mercifully putting some clothes on, Zygon-boy sneaks out and Gay Flatmate finally appears to ask Lauren if she's been letting herself be used and abused by alien bastards again. Lauren tries to cheer herself up by doing the washing up, but her rubber gloves seem to traumatize her further for some reason. Uh. Yeah. Meanwhile, Gay Flatmate suggests chucking a sickie so he and Lauren can harmonize and bond. This doesn't seem to work, so she suddenly runs into Gay Flatmate's room and finds Gay Flatmate lying dead with throat slit.

"I was wondering when you'd twig," says the non-dead Gay Flatmate. Ahah! You see, Gay Flatmate is Kieth Dinkel and he murdered the genuine article! Of course, this does rather contradict one of the few facts of Zygon biology: they can only copy the bodies of those that are alive and in their bodysnatching machinery. But what does this matter when the narrative has naked women in it?!

Kieth bushwhacks Lauren who wakes up with a CGI blob on the back of her neck. She also mourns the corpse of Gay Flatmate (who I don't believe is dead, since he is somehow able to close his dead eyes on his own), and wanders around in a silent daze that she and the scriptwriters mastered in the previous film. She then finds Kieth's naked corpse sitting at the dining table with candles complete with CGI blob. OK, that definitely CANNOT be a turnon for ANYONE...

Alas, Zygon Kieth is also present. Heh. I love this guy. "What, THIS old thing? I got it up north," he explains, indicating his human form. Then his eyes glow red and he invites Lauren to sit down and, um, I dunno. Listen to the backstory of the whole film, I guess. Zygon Kieth reveals that Zygon-Boy was in deep cover so long he's forgotten who he was (quelle surprise) and despite all the violent threats Lauren did not cure Zygon-Boy but repeatedly bonked him. Not exactly giving him inclination to abandon the human life.

Although these CGI neck blobs allow Zygon Kieth to assume human form (and Lauren form), he thinks it would be all round better instead of him turning into a human, Lauren can turn into a monster. He gives a rather good sales pitch for being a shape changer. Come on, catches aside, who WOULDN'T love to have that power? Lauren cannot come up with a decent argument against, so she takes Kieth's hand and is shoved into a late 1980s CGI rock music video. This causes her to throw up in the toilet a lot. (Seriously, did we NEED to see that in loving closeup? I do NOT want to know who'd be turned on by that! It's just wrong...)

Kieth and Lauren get into a van to find Zygon Boy and Kieth explains that he and t'other fella have been marooned on Earth for 20 years ever since their spaceship blew up (Oh, taking the "1980s UNIT dating" are we, Monsiuer Baggs?) while they kidnap a yuppie to steal his body. It seems the radioactive hand glow is actually the "Zygon sting" so beloved of books and audio. Stripping him, they put on a CGI blob and Lauren can now magically turn into yuppie complete with clothes... even though the stolen body is nekid. The blobs record clothes that aren't even there? Complete with wallet full of credit cards?

OK, anyway, Lauren-yuppie goes on a spending spree as "Staying Alive" plays in the background while she buys clothes and naughty underwear for both bodies, takes a chance to see what the gents is like and generally acts like a crummy sexswap comedy. Um, your best friend is dead, remember? And you're kicking around with his murderer? Tragically, this is sort of demented thing Lauren gets up to long before she starts injecting her brain with mercury or accepting Zygon goo into her genome. She's got in a cycle of addiction, this one. Worst of all, given unlimited money and free from morality, she can't even steal a decent sports car and goes for a people mover. Dear me, if you can't afford to depict a spending spree DON'T WRITE IT INTO THE SCRIPT IN THE FIRST PLACE!

Lauren-Yuppie then heads to the Yuppie's house where his desperate-for-sex lady friend is waiting for him/her. Can you guess what will happen next, boys and girls? Well, Lauren's clearly much better undercover than her boyfriend as no parts of her stolen body glow radioactive at any point, but this leads to the complication of her trying to sneak out before Yuppie girlfriend wakes up. As they are together on the sofa, this is trickier than it sounds... It seems that Keith's evil corruption isn't quite as good as it could be as Lauren returns the Yuppie, removes the blob and leaves the credit card receipts. Kinda defeating the point of theft, surely?

Kieth points out that Lauren can be all moral and superior since she didn't REALLY want to steal the life of the Yuppie, so Lauren decides to go after someone she hates. In this case, boob lady back at the nuthouse. With her form, Lauren intends to convince the boss that Lauren deserves to get her job back. One slight flaw. Boob lady and the boss are lovers and she stole the body on the way to a secret tryst!

Can you guess what happens now, boys and girls?

A completely disgusted and not-quite-walking-properly Lauren meets up with Keith who can laugh about her misadventures. "You have more faces than I have!" he mocks her moral superiority. Deeply hurt at the fact her friends at the nuthouse hated her and were screwing behind her back, she decides to find Zygon-Boy. Showing all her cunning psychiatric skills, she starts babbling like a mad woman that all the Zygon stuff is real and, oh, her new best pal is a serial killer. So she decides to call the police and get them to sort it all out.

How could it possibly go wrong? Unless, say, Kieth was listening in and bodysnatched the copper who turned up to answer their phone call? What are the odds of THAT happening? Seriously?

But where there's a will, there's a frying pan and Lauren Roj Blake's her way to freedom with Zygon-Boy who is conveniently regaining his memories. "I don't want to know," says Zygon-Boy as Lauren tries to make small talk about her bodyswapping sex games. Smart move. They arrive at the police station (I'm sure the coppers are going to be delighted that the woman who turned up saying she stabbed a Cyberman-controlled boyfriend who was found alive and well has returned now saying she's a shape shifting alien being hunted by another such monster. Doesn't "wasting police time" get put on your criminal record?) but Keith has cunningly radioed in - pretending to be a policeman - and blamed Lauren for the death of Gay Flatmate.

Jings.

Lauren reacts to being put under arrest by using her super Zygon strength to knock him out and bodysnatch a CID inspector to clear her name ("Where DO the clothes come from?" asks Zygon-Boy, curiously). Keith turns up for another brilliant moment as he reveals he deliberately dobbed them in, knowing Lauren would have to bodysnatch to talk their way out of it and make the whole 'slide-into-curruption' thing easier, before he bounces away. The campaign of Keith Dinkel to be the new companion starts here, people! He's the best thing about this film which has actually yet to feature a Zygon beyond a line drawing on a sketchpad!

With the manhunt called off, they release the CID inspector (AKA dumping his unconscious body in a bus stop) and immediately get a hotel room. I wonder, I truly wonder what could possibly happen now? Oh, wait, there ISN'T hot Zygon-on-Zygon action. Zygon-Boy bitches that his human girlfriend isn't cute anymore and that since she and Kieth have a mental link, he can never be free while she's around, so he dumps her. And then tries to strangle her, but she's a Zygon now and kick his ass. Apparently not-wanting-to-be-strangled is enough to convince Zygon-Boy to ditch her forever and she starts blubbering. Then has a prudish shower scene before admiring her naked body in the mirror. Again, conflicting messages. So she glows and starts changing into Zygon-Boy, herself with the arm of a baby, herself only much younger, boob lady (though not showing her boobs) and then sulks on the hotel bed. Naked, if that matters, but you can see her ribs easier than anything naughty. Always a turn off.

Anyway, Keith and Zygon-Boy meet up again and agree to sabotage some factory or another, which is really annoying since Zygon-Boy was originally the stick-in-the-mud military officer and Keith the reckless teenager. Keith is not exactly happy to switch roles after 18 years of a Rimmer/Lister relationship. You see, greenhouse gases are all down to the Zygons sabotaging plants, intending to melt the ice caps, flood the planet and make it New Zygor for when that oft-mentioned Zygon battle fleet arrives to take up residence. All explained in a truly awful CGI animation.

No sooner have they achieved their bit of sabotage for the day (with Zygon-Boy setting his sights on bodysnatching Gerri Halliwell), Lauren turns up and points up that they can't be anything other than thieves as they have lost who they really were over the years. Instantly convinced, Zygon-Boy shuts down the factory and saves the day. They beat up Keith and leg it in the hope the evil Zygon doesn't simply press the button that pollutes the atmosphere again while they're gone.

The Zygon lovers flee to another factory where Keith keeps his human body locked in a cupboard. Egads, it's right next to the human body Zygon-Boy possesses! Both naked of course (must be cold in that factory). They rip the CGI blob from the body but conveniently Zygon-Boy can keep his form for another couple of days. They then do the same the Keith's body, but this causes Keith to completely freak out and melt and go all gooey. Ooh, about twelve seconds of actual Zygon in this movie! All filmed like a epileptic fit to try and disguise how monumentally awful the outfit is - it looks like a cutout they're acting around. Keith the Zygon gets run over but, instead of dying, simply reverts back to human form. Why? No idea.

Egads, as they drive off in the van, the star-crossed pair discover the naked men in the back are dying without the CGI blobs and rush the Zygon-Boy one to hospital with the convincing cover story he is Zygon-Boy's twin brother. Fiendish! Nevertheless both bodysnatch-ees end up in beds beside each other with no life support. Or clothes. But then Lauren comes up with a brilliant idea. No idea what it is but it seems to involve shooting Keith's body in the head. Or something. I really don't know. Wait, it's not shooting, it's putting a CGI blob on Keith's body. So in mid-snog Zygon-Boy suddenly starts looking like Keith.

Zygon-Boy reverts back to his previous human shape and steals Keith's body while Lauren returns to the nuthouse where Boob lady and the boss are having an argument. So she stabs HIM in the bollocks with a scalpel and blows his brains out with a shotgun (literally... it goes everywhere) and then slaughters all the patients screaming that they're not real. OK. The thought occurs that this might not be Lauren. The further thought occurs this is grosser than all the comatose male nudity.

After pointlessly rambling about how this is just like The Matrix (this movie shows its age, huh?), Lauren accepts she's been framed for mass murder and runs away while Keith continues to camp it up. She hides in a hoodie and wanders up and down white goods stores until she sees a TV that plays relevant exposition. Must take a while. She returns to her flat for a nice bit of "complete nervous breakdown"ing involving all her photos. Keith turns up, but which Zygon is he? Do we care? Wait, it's Kieth who has apparently fallen in love with Lauren and like all good boyfriends totally ruined her life so there is nothing for her except him.

So Lauren tricks him into assuming her form and kill him, leaving the body for the cops to find. Smart, since the rule that "when dead, Zygons revert to their true form" seems to have been forgotten. Like the ending to so many films, it ends with Lauren making a dirty phone call and wandering off into a deep crowd in a public thoroughfare.

Lame. What's the next movie going to be? Sontaran, where Lauren discovers another fit boyfriend is actually under the influence of hideous aliens and discovers a truly disgusting use for the probic vent? Yeesh...

Oddly enough, this isn't the most insane thing I've found on TinDog. And I found a found a 1966 trading card adventure with the Daleks fighting the Voord, for crying out loud...