Saturday, March 24, 2012

Andrew & The Vanishing Verkoff (viii)

[The living room. The door opens and Dave, Nigel and Andrew enter. The latter is munching on a sausage roll, the former holding a newspaper. Dave spots a wall-clock.]

Dave: Man, this anecdote of yours seems to have been going on forever.

Andrew: It's not my fault people keep interrupting!

Nigel: Stop being so boring, then.

Andrew: Boring? We just spent an hour at the ATO! You find ANYTHING boring after that!

Dave: Yeah. Especially that bit where Andrew hunted down Simone with a bowie knife, stripped her naked, threatened her until she had a complete nervous breakdown all the sound of Big Red Motor Cycle...

Nigel: Wow, I bet he didn't make THAT bit up.

Andrew: [offended] I didn't! [thoughtful] Mind you, I have been watching a lot of Cracker lately, sometimes the lines between can get all blurred...

Nigel: See, Dave? Andrew here is what we call...

Dave: ...an unreliable narrator?

Nigel: I was going to say "hairy retarded moron", but yeah if you want. So, while the missing link here was struggling to rub both braincells together in order to establish my whereabouts, I bet you were wondering what was happening to me, huh?

[Rippling water. We pull out to see this is the surface of Circular Quay, and our attention wanders rather predictably over the cityscape. As sinister and rather unsuitably-dubbed music plays, we slowly zoom on Centre Point Tower. Closer and closer until we see the observation deck, where Nigel Verkoff himself can be seen standing, peering out through the window with a preoccupied, crestfallen expression. He turns away from the view and heads past the gift shop towards the lift and presses the call button. Monumentally overblown and drammatic music plays.

The lift arrives. Nigel enters and hits the ground floor button. A moment later, four other people wander into the lift, see the ground floor button is pressed and quickly shuffle around so as not to take up too much space. The doors close. The lift descends. The music really is getting apeshit by now.]

Nigel: [shouting] What idiot writes this lift muzak?

[He kicks the wall and the music ends with an off-the-record-style noise. An embarrassed pause for everyone who isn't Nigel.]

Nigel: What?!

[No one talks. They avoid eye contact. The lift goes down and down and down and down. Some check their watches. The four other interlopers are - a good-looking American in a blue WW2 army jacket; a forty-year-old man pretending to be a 15-year-old public schoolgirl; a manic-looking security guard with an eyepatch and a crazy-eyed emaciated woman with long brown hair and nervous twitch. The lift passes the ground floor and stops two levels down.]

Mephisto: Huh? Who chose the sub-basement?

Isabella Gisbourne: It was set for the ground floor.

Jai'me: Why won't the doors, like, you know, open?

[Nigel rolls his eyes and presses the open door control. The lift doors open up on a large, pentagonal chamber lined with curtains. There is a five-sided table in the middle of the room with a chair on each side. The chair is covered with bottles of scotch, lemonade, etc, and a tray of triangular catering sandwiches. An antique fireplace is dark. It is well-lit and looks comfortable.]

Captain Jack: Looks like some sort of meeting room.

Isabella Guisborne: In the sub-basement?

Nigel: Set for five people. THIS sure doesn't look dodgy.

[He turns to re-enter the lift, but the doors shut in his face. He reaches for the door control... but there isn't one.]

Jai'me: Hey, this elevator, like, totally has no call button!

Nigel: Thanks for that, Captain Obvious, we've never have spotted that without you.

[The others are peeking behind the drapes and curtains, but there are just blank walls to be found. No doors or windows.]

Mephisto: No other way out.

Isabella Gisbourne: [munches sandwich] This must have been set up today. Not too long ago. And whoever this is for should be arriving soon.

Captain Jack: And they'll probably be pissed off to find you munching their food.

Mephisto: She's right, though. There must be someone else coming. We might as well make the best of it...

Jai'me: Like, whatever!

Isabella Gisbourne: Yes. Let's do that.

[They all sit down at the table except for Nigel.]

Nigel: Are we all taking our daily stupidity suppelements? What lift goes of its own accord to a sub-basement with no way out? This is some deep Satre crap and I for one do not intend to hang around here.

Mephisto: What? You think we've gone to hell?

Nige: I think I have. You lot being near my greatness? This must be paradise!

[He keeps looking for a way out.]

Captain Jack: Gotta say, if this IS hell, it's not half as bad as its cracked up to be.

Mephisto: There IS something wierd about this, though. It's like a dream.

Jai'me: Oh, no, like, dreams are way totally more frightening than this. At least mine are. God, I am so hot.

Captain Jack: Oh? In what way?

Jai'me: Tch! I dunno! But they're, like, so amazingly real... almost like it was, like, you know, a memory of what really happened.

Mephisto: Well, why not tell us about it?

Isabella Guisborne: Yes, there's nothing else to do.

Jai'me: OK. You see, it's this sort of... recurring dream. I just keep having it. Every night, all the time. I just can't get rid of it. I dream this total slag mole bitch army of ungrateful bogans lynch me in the street and call me an unfunny transvestite joke and that "Angry Boys" was total shit.

[Long pause.]

Jai'me: Perhaps it's some kind of warning for the future.

Isabella Guisborne: Yes. Wierd. I have something like that. A sort of... vision. Phobia. Obsession. Whatever you might want to call it. I went absolutely batshit insane in thirteenth century England, murdered my brother, lover and then I got blown up in a nuclear explosion that left me so scrawny whenever I wander around naked people keep screaming "MY GOD! EAT SOMETHING DAMMIT! I CAN SEE YOUR FUCKING RIBS!"

[No one is sure how to take that.]

Isabella Guisborne: And so real, I was sure it actually happened.

Captain Jack: I know exactly that feeling.

Mephisto: I bet you do. You look like you've seen a ghost.

Captain Jack: Sort of. My dream involves me turning from a fun-loving omnisexual conman with a heart of gold to an angst-ridden rule-book-fetishing immortal gaylord in charge of the only four people in Western Europe even MORE fucked up than I am, until I eventually kill them all and then murder my own grandson because I'm too lazy to think up anything clever, before running off to become a prostitute on the planet Zaggit Zagoo - and then the worst thing happens! I get summoned back to Earth in an American remake that removes any endearing features I have and even makes me one-hundred percent self-hating homosexual!

Mephisto: Which is odd, because a similar vision keeps troubling me... similar, but not quite... I was taking part in this violently overmasculine reality tv show when I got infected by a passing cursed Aztec totem god... and after that, things just got WIERD!

[Nigel, still looking for an exit, rolls his eyes.]

Nigel: Oh this is just bullshit! Doesn't ONE of you find it just a TAD suspicious that five people with recurring nightmares of their own deaths just HAPPEN to all get into the same lift that BY COINCIDENCE takes them to an underground room which AMAZINGLY also is set out to entertain exactly FIVE PEOPLE!!

Captain Jack: I've known bigger contrivances.

Jai'Me: I want to talk about me some more. Only, instead of "some", make that a lot.

Nigel: They're just dreams, you fugly slag! Everyone has them. Kinda the price we pay for abstract thought - so why YOU'RE having them is a genuine mystery!

Isabella Guisborne: Oh, and do you have a dream that haunts you every night?

[Nigel starts to reply, then stops. He sits down in the vacant chair, furthest from the lift doors, and helps himself to a sandwich.]

Nigel: My dream... OK. I'll tell you.

[Everything blurs and when it refocuses we see Nigel is lying in his bedroom, dressed in a kimoni, reading a copy of The Adventuress of Henrietta Street.]

Nigel: You know, for a novel set in a brothel, I'd expect some more shagging and less fat bloke in a gorilla mask trying to be less funny than cholera. I'm sure Alien Bodies was cooler than this - and that had fucking Krotons in it for crying out loud...

[He looks up at a strange noise. A sword of flame slices through air, creating a gap from which emerges a serene figure with wings and a halo.]

Nigel: Give me strength. [shouts] This IS private property, you know!

Archangel Gabriel: I am the Archangel Gabriel!

Nigel: I'm a Bhuddist. So fuck off and try next door, you filthy pagan belief system!

Archangel Gabriel: Bit of respect, you unbelieving bastard!

Nigel: Hey, I'M not the one worshipping a loser who was such a pussy he got nailed to a tree even though he had freaking super powers, am I? What do you want, anyway?

Archangel Gabriel: Oh, you're interested NOW, huh, punk?

Nigel: Look, YOU are the one who interrupted me reading this shockingly mediocre novel by cutting through the air with a sword. That sounds like a lot of trouble to go through if you ask me - and you should, because I, as we have already established, are the cooler person in this conversation.

Archangel Gabriel: Oh, shut up you wanker!

Nigel: That will be the infinite patience of god himself right there, huh?

Archangel Gabriel: I don't have to put up with this shit!

[The angel turns and steps through the hole in the air. A moment later, Danielle is shoved rudely through the gap and stumbles. Nigel looks up at her for a long moment, then returns to his book.]

Danny: Nigel!

Nigel: [reads] "Did Sabbath worship these totems? Or was it all an obscure, blasphemous joke?"

Danny: Nigel, it's me, Danny.

Nigel: "Without knowing the exact nature of the idols it’s hard to say, though one witness records that 'some had faces so monstrus I could not bear but look' (bad writing, or did she mean it that way?)." Oh, Larry, what a wit you are. Moron.

Danny: Hello!

Nigel: "As Rebecca mentioned at least one in the Polynesian style and one following the fashion of the West Indian witch-cults, perhaps Sabbath saw the icons as an inventory of all the world’s major systems of ritual."

[Danielle snatches the book and throws it to one side.]

Nigel: Hey!

[Nigel glances at her. Then shrugs.]

Nigel: It was a shithouse book anyway.

[He picks up a copy of Mad Dogs and Englishmen. He looks at the cover, then tosses it aside.]

Nigel: OK, Danny, what do you want?

Danny: Aren't you happy to see me?

Nigel: Of course! After all, it's not like it's been the best part of a decade since you abandoned me without a word of warning at Hanging Rock of all places and left me alone ever since, is it? Oh wait, yes you did!

Danny: Nigel, I...

[Nigel leaps to his feet, furious.]

Nigel: YOU! LEFT! ME!

Danny: You're speaking in fragments again.

[Nigel sits down on the bed.]

Nigel: Say what it is you've got to say and then bugger off wherever the hell you've been for the past six years. I've got used to not having you around.

Danny: Nigel, listen to me. God is coming back.

Nigel: I know. He's always coming back. He's like the opposite of John Farnham. Does that mean John Farnham is Satan? Heh, that WOULD be a surprise...

Danny: Are you taking this seriously! The Earth is being devoured by a curse and all who live in it are being held guilty! The living outnumber the dead and the Armies of the Lord are waiting for the Day of Judgement!

[Nigel yawns.]

Nigel: Wow. How interesting and original. I find this very fascinating.

Danny: Stop being sarcastic! You need to embrace the love of God!

Nigel: I need to floss more. Guess which is more likely to happen?

Danny: Do you love God?

Nigel: I loved YOU and see how that turned out!

Danny: God loves you, Nigel. Because you love him.

Nigel: He's got the wrong stunningly-attractive sex maestro. And given that the celestial magnificence of God himself is returning... why the hell did he want ME to get the heads up? You got an answer that doesn't involve "mysterious ways"?

Danny: Um. No.

Nigel: No. So. Exit stage freaking left, Danielle.

[Danny sighs and steps through the gap in the air, which closes up. Nigel picks up his book and searches for his place.]

Nigel: Can't get a moment to myself nowadays...

[A close up of a calendar. All the pages fall away one by one until the calendar is used up. Pull out to see Kenjii standing right next to the calendar, all the pages piled up at his feet.]

Kenjii: These calendars use inferior glue, don't you think?

[Nigel's bedroom. Nigel is finishing his book.]

Nigel: What a pile of shit!

[He tosses the book into the corner.]

Nigel: The world might as well end if THAT'S the best literature has to offer.

[There is the sound of trumpet notes.]

Archangel Gabriel: [vo] Attention, please. This is the Archangel Gabriel speaking. This is the first call. I will blow this trumpet a further six times. You have until the last call to repent your sins and accept Jesus into your life. After that, it is too late. This is not a hoax. Seriously, not a hoax. Will you people stop laughing at me and start repenting?

[Nigel shrugs.]

Nigel: It's the thought that counts.

[There is the sound of hoofbeats approaching. On the TV an image of a white horse appears.]

TV: People of the world, attention please. This is God. He is giving you one last chance to save yourselves from the Horsemen of the Apocalypse. This is seriously not a hoax.

[The image changes to a trumpet against a blue background as the second call goes out. Yawning, Nigel turns off the TV.]

Nigel: Oh well. Life goes on.

[The trumpet sound grows so loud the walls of Nigel's room collapse.]

Nigel: What-evah. Tell it to someone who cares. I'm not letting the end of the world spoil my day off, thank you very much.

[Through the holes in the walls, Nigel watches as a sword-weilding warrior on a red horse runs by, holding a pair of scale as the trumpet sounds again.]

Nigel: Oh yeah, VERY subtle.

[A ghostly woman holding a candelabra rides past on a huge bull.]

Nigel: Okaaaaay...

[Suddenly the world dissolves into smoke. There are more hoofbeats as the Grim Reaper arrives on horseback through the fog.]

Nigel: You people are really making up for lost time, huh? I thought the rapture was suppose to leave us ordinary folk behind! I bet heaven doesn't even get SBS!

[The Grim Reaper waves his scythe and Nigel suddenly lifts off his bed and into the smoke and disappears as another trumpet sounds.]

Nigel: [fading] Son of a bitch!

[Limbo. Nigel floats in the silent darkness, lit by moonlight.]

Nigel: Man, this has to be the lamest afterlife I've ever seen. [shouts] And I've seen more than one, you plebian deity! So, who else is here? A creepy extra from The Bill with a snake tattoo on his arm? Go on, amaze me.

[Danielle appears.]

Danny: Hey, Nige.

Nigel: This isn't the Dreamtime. I am totally confused. As much as I can be without giving a shit about the answer, anyway.

Danny: This is the river that washes away all your sins.

Nigel: Metaphor. I get that.

Danny: You need to cross the river to get to Heaven.

Nigel: More metaphors.

Danny: OK! Look, just say you love God for giving you the gift of life and you get paradise.

Nigel: Piss off! I had paradise you sanctimonious bitch!

You don't have time for this! Gabriel is coming!

Nigel: I have no interest in his sex-life, Danny.

Danny: This is serious, Nigel!

Nigel: Not so serious the big man himself was prepared to talk to me. Come on, Mr. G! Get your omniscient ethereal butt down here! I WISH TO REGISTER A COMPLAINT!

Danny: You have to love God.

Nigel: Have to? I thought love was free will!

Danny: There really is a Heaven.

Nigel: If it's so good he can come here and give me the sales pitch personally.

Danny: Tell God you love Him!

Nigel: You know the reason people don't believe in God? Any god? All the suffering and pain in the world. Now, that's either down to existence being random or God being a complete and utter fuckwit. He creates the universe and then does everything to make it suck?

Danny: It's a test of faith!

Nigel: Yeah. He gives humanity freedom of choice just so he can ask an entire species "Hands up, who likes me?" at the end of the day. YOU INSECURE LOSER! I am not your fucking cheerleader for whenever your existential angst gets a bit too much! You want me in your paradise, well you take me as I am or not at all!

Danny: If you don't tell God that you love Him, you can't go to Heaven!

Nigel: Boo-freaking-hoo.

[A golden light shines down on them both, like a sunset.]

Danny: See heaven! Isn't it beautiful?

Nigel: [sighs] Yeah. It is. But then so's Dubai. Big freaking deal.

[Another trumpet sound.]

Danny: That's Gabriel's final call. A melody like the infinite regression of an image in parallel mirrors, and the melody stretches into the end of time...

Nigel: Yeah, yeah. Very experimental. Yellow Submarine is as nothing.

Danny: [totally losing it] JESUS JIGSAW-ASSEMBLING CHRIST, YOU EGOMANIAC! THIS IS THE FUCKING DAY OF FUCKING JUDGEMENT YOU SELF-ABSORBED ASSHOLE! IF YOU DO NOT DECLARE YOUR LOVE OF GOD YOU HAVE TO STAY HERE IN LIMBO FOR ETERNITY AND DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW LONG THAT WILL BE?

Nigel: Hmmm. Tough one. The use of "eternity" muddies the waters...

Danny: I fucking give up!

Nigel: Aint that the old story, Danny? Well screw you, screw God and screw the rest of reality! I am not going to back down to cosmic blackmail just because the almighty needs my approval for creating a universe where you can see Jack the Ripper on Ice at the theatre! He wants my love, he can come here himself!

[Danielle vanishes, leaving Nigel alone in the darkness.]

Nigel: Hah!

[Long pause.]

Nigel: On second thoughts, this could be one hell of a big mistake.

[Longer pause.]

Nigel: Ah, shit.

[Everything blurs back into the subbasement. Nigel is staring at the far wall, twiddling his thumbs and lost in thought.]

Mephisto: [doubtful] That's your story?

Jai'me: [shrugs] Well, you know, we all totalluy have our crosses to bear.

Nigel: [to himself] But it seemed so real. Almost as if it had happened.

[The others look up as the lift chimes.]

Nigel: Which is odd. Because it couldn't have happened.

[Nigel stares into the distance, unaware the others are running for the lift as the doors slide open - revealing a misty, moonlit graveyard in the dead of night.]

Nigel: I haven't lived with Kenjii for ages. I've been flatsharing with Gabby and Benny and that... that thing she's convinced is worthy of her love. If the world ended, why can I remember at least a year's worth of shit happening since?

[As if in a trance, the other four wander out through the doors into the graveyard. They head off in different directions and, as each reaches a fresh grave, they shimmer and vanish without a sound. The doors slide shut. Nigel does not notice.]

Nigel: Come to think of it, the last thing I remember is David Jones and the Russian Kid coming back to try and kill me. If this was a dream about the future, why didn't I dream about that? Christ knows it would have been slightly more useful! What do you think?

[He turns around and realizes he's alone for the first time.]

Nigel: What? You rude bastards! I WAS TALKING, DAMMIT!

[Angrilly he picks up a glass and throws it at the wall. It bounces and doesn't break at all.]

Nigel: Lame. But hang on. I can remember that maze at the Jekkatatve... I can remember dying. How the hell did I get from there to Centre Point Tower in the first place? None of this makes any sense at all! It's like Lost without that hot pregnant chick!

[Nigel blinks.]

Nigel: Unless this a dream. But that would mean...

[Cut to Nigel slowly cracking open his eyes. He is lying in a hospital bed. There are bandages patches on his head and shoulders, wires leading between him and heart monitors and the like. One arm is in a cast. What's bizarre is that this seems to be in a deserted warehouse in the middle of the day. Nigel peers around groggily.]

Nigel: This just gets better and better...

- to be continued...

6 comments:

Jared "No Nickname" Hansen said...

INCEPTION!!!

Mind you, I have been watching a lot of Cracker lately, sometimes the lines between can get all blurred...

Lol. Masterful retcon about a minute after the incident has happened in-universe..


until I eventually kill them all and then murder my own grandson because I'm too lazy to think up anything clever, before running off to become a prostitute on the planet Zaggit Zagoo - and then the worst thing happens!

More proof of your undying love for RTD :P


I really liked the "This could have been a huge mistake" punchline.

Was there a particular reason you chose Mephisto to be in the group of irredeemable assholes of television? I remember I still liked all of the Fist team when the show was over other than Steve. And is Adventuress of Henrietta Street that bad?

It was quite a fun tangent, but possibly went a bit too long for what it was. I imagine it cutting back to Dave going "So, basically you didn't know?"

Youth of Australia said...

INCEPTION!!!
ROFL. I hadn't thought of that, it was supposed to be more like the Young Ones - "Oh, wait, THIS is the dream..."

Lol. Masterful retcon about a minute after the incident has happened in-universe..
Yeah... mind you, it's true of me at the time...

More proof of your undying love for RTD :P
Well, these repeats do put Torchwood in an increasingly bad light - especially when you end up watching Meat the same night as Beat Below, and see their simultaneous takes on exploiting space whales...

As for RTD, I found out he wrote the first scene of KKBB, which means basically it took around an hour away from the Doctor before Jack was shooting people THROUGH THE FUCKING HEAD. That kind of thing cannot be a coincidence...

I really liked the "This could have been a huge mistake" punchline.
Yeah, I adapted it from an earlier script where Andrew and Nigel die and are left with the choice of limbo or heaven. That time, Nigel said it after he chose heaven (mind you, limbo consisted of lots of naked chicks lying around the place...)

Was there a particular reason you chose Mephisto to be in the group of irredeemable assholes of television?
...desperation? Also, he's one of the few characters that I could imagine could be shoved in pergatory and take it in his stride, plus he can be surprisingly posh and eloquent ("you mean, I have to find SOME OTHER way to express my grievences to local government without recourse to the use of violence?")

I remember I still liked all of the Fist team when the show was over other than Steve.
Yes. Actually, I decided I didn't like Rodd once he got his mojo back and started eating small puppies raw...

And is Adventuress of Henrietta Street that bad?
Yes. It is pretentious, infantile, smart alec crap that is, ultimately, 300 pages of taking the piss out of the last episode of the Prisoner.

It was quite a fun tangent, but possibly went a bit too long for what it was. I imagine it cutting back to Dave going "So, basically you didn't know?"
Yeah. I suppose I wrote it in the demented belief it would be a "for those who came late" reintroduction to everything. But the next installment is all plot.

NEXT TIME

Andrew: I've been arrested on suspicion of murder by better policemen than YOU, you know!

Jared "No Nickname" Hansen said...

Well, these repeats do put Torchwood in an increasingly bad light - especially when you end up watching Meat the same night as Beat Below, and see their simultaneous takes on exploiting space whales...

ABC2 are showing them again? Eh, not that I'm crazy about it since, you know, it's Torchwood.

I look at the Torchwood boards on IMDb fairly regularly, and there's often posts of people saying "First two eps are really bad, should I keep going?". And the handful of TW fans are like "You need to see the full season arc" (WHAT FUCKING ARC???) whereas I'm all "Go straight to season 2. If you don't like it, it doesn't get any better"

I can honestly say if I wasn't a DW fan I'd be amazed if I managed two full episodes. It is the most FRUSTRATINGLY mis-handled show ever. But we may have talked about this before :P

As for RTD, I found out he wrote the first scene of KKBB, which means basically it took around an hour away from the Doctor before Jack was shooting people THROUGH THE FUCKING HEAD. That kind of thing cannot be a coincidence...

Lol. Yeah, it's definitely odd.

Also, he's one of the few characters that I could imagine could be shoved in pergatory and take it in his stride, plus he can be surprisingly posh and eloquent

Hehe, that's a good point. Getting eaten by a pleiosaur (that appeared out of nowhere several million years after it was meant to have died out) was just a minor annoyance for him.

Yes. Actually, I decided I didn't like Rodd once he got his mojo back and started eating small puppies raw...

...I must have forgotten that scene. But there's lots of blacked out patches in that last season..

Yes. It is pretentious, infantile, smart alec crap that is, ultimately, 300 pages of taking the piss out of the last episode of the Prisoner.

How terribly specific. It's something I've been curious about because at a certain stage it was championed as high art by fandom, but from any description of it I couldn't work out how it could possibly be good..

Andrew: I've been arrested on suspicion of murder by better policemen than YOU, you know!

Ah, good old Andrew..

Youth of Australia said...

ABC2 are showing them again?
Yep, Tuesday nights. Next one is Adam.

Eh, not that I'm crazy about it since, you know, it's Torchwood.
Well. Quite.

whereas I'm all "Go straight to season 2. If you don't like it, it doesn't get any better"
You know, the first time I let my parents see it (it was before I had a disc burner so we had to sit around the computer watching it), we saw the eps completely out of order. It probably worked a lot better...

1: Everything Changes
2: Day One
3: Cyberwoman
4: Random Shoes
5: They Keep Killing Suzie
6: Countrycide
7: Greeks Bearing Gifts
8: Small Worlds
9: Out of Time
10 Combat
11: Ghost Machine
12: CJH/End of Days telemovie

But we may have talked about this before :P
We have? I thought I just screamed "WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY THINKING?!?" over and over again while you just nodded sagely.

Lol. Yeah, it's definitely odd.
Very... it is also conclusive proof he wanted TW NOT to synch up with DW, since he made sure they did everything NOT to dovetail into each other...

Hehe, that's a good point. Getting eaten by a pleiosaur (that appeared out of nowhere several million years after it was meant to have died out) was just a minor annoyance for him.
Yeah... Actually, I thought that was his cunning plan...

...I must have forgotten that scene. But there's lots of blacked out patches in that last season..
When his hair is falling out, he invites two girls round to his place so he can daterape them (oh, that whacky Rodd!) and they bring a dog. In the last episode he finds the dog still around Prawnworld so he kills it and eats it raw to pass some time...

How terribly specific. It's something I've been curious about because at a certain stage it was championed as high art by fandom, but from any description of it I couldn't work out how it could possibly be good..
They were amazed by the "historical document" angle, which meant that absolutely every single thing that happens is followed by the disclaimer "of course, according to OTHER reports..." which gets depressing as neither option is actually interesting and was only done because Larry was trying to escape the "curse" of having to write dialogue. Or descriptions. Or, you know, a plot.

Ah, good old Andrew..
I promise there'll be much less rape, assault and psychological torture in the next installment.

Of course, according to other reports...

Jared "No Nickname" Hansen said...

Next one is Adam.

Sigh, Adam. Soooooo close to being a halfway decent show but not quite there...

You know, the first time I let my parents see it (it was before I had a disc burner so we had to sit around the computer watching it), we saw the eps completely out of order.

My mum has only seen Ghost Machine. I mean, it was difficult to pick one because she doesn't like sex scenes or gore so... that wrote off every other episode that had been shown at the time if I recall.

I mean, I guess I could have showed... Small Worlds? The fairy one? But, you know, that one sucked. So anyway mum thought it was 'okay' and wasn't really interested in watching any more.

But, yeah, series 1 continuity was laughable. Let alone an arc..

Very... it is also conclusive proof he wanted TW NOT to synch up with DW, since he made sure they did everything NOT to dovetail into each other...

Oh that's what you were getting at. Yeah, I have to agree. He set a record for distancing himself from his one creation. He seemed to disown Torchwood shortly after it started screening...

In the last episode he finds the dog still around Prawnworld so he kills it and eats it raw to pass some time...

Ah, so he does.

They were amazed by the "historical document" angle, which meant that absolutely every single thing that happens is followed by the disclaimer "of course, according to OTHER reports..." which gets depressing as neither option is actually interesting and was only done because Larry was trying to escape the "curse" of having to write dialogue. Or descriptions. Or, you know, a plot.

Yeah I knew that was the gimmick. I just couldn't work out how it could result in an interesting story. It sounded like the sort of thing that would get old after 50 pages.

Also... isn't that a really terrible choice for a story to introduce a new villain? I mean, Larry went on a mini-rant about how nobody else 'got' Sabbath but if he only wrote him in a story where the audience gets to hear about him exclusively from second-hand, unreliable sources how are they meant to know who the fuck he is or what his motives are?

Youth of Australia said...

Sigh, Adam. Soooooo close to being a halfway decent show but not quite there...
Yet, compared to the first season, it's gold quality...

that wrote off every other episode that had been shown at the time if I recall.
Yep. There's not one dripping with either category - I think Greeks Bearing Gifts is the mildest of all, though Random Shoes wasn't a category one offender...

So anyway mum thought it was 'okay' and wasn't really interested in watching any more.
I can't blame her.

Let alone an arc..
Yes, we may lambast sparacus but even he never quite reached the levels of the Estate Agent of Doom shouting catchphrases into the camera for fifteen minutes.

He seemed to disown Torchwood shortly after it started screening...
He once described the first episode as the most important thing he'd written. What a sarcastic son of a bitch...

Yeah I knew that was the gimmick. I just couldn't work out how it could result in an interesting story.
The story was lame.

Doctor goes to brothel. Hookers getting visions. Apemen beating the shit out of passers by. Sabbath says the apes are the defenders of Earth. Doctor offers to be defender of Earth but to do that he has to get his heart ripped out and marry a hooker. Said hooker then leaves with Sabbath. Doctor didn't fancy her anyway. Doctor leaves.

Oh, and the Master turns up to the wedding, admires the Doctor's beard, shaves his own, gets bored, and wanders off again.

It might have worked as a base-under-siege plot, but... Mad Larry was so dead against doing it that way. For some reason.

It sounded like the sort of thing that would get old after 50 pages.
The worst bit was when Dr. Who arrived - a random Chinese herbalist of no significance other than he was a Doctor whose name was Who. He didn't turn out to be IM Foreman or anything like that. Or have anything to do with the plot. He just turns up and is present for some of the story.

Also... isn't that a really terrible choice for a story to introduce a new villain? I mean, Larry went on a mini-rant about how nobody else 'got' Sabbath but if he only wrote him in a story where the audience gets to hear about him exclusively from second-hand, unreliable sources how are they meant to know who the fuck he is or what his motives are?
I know. Apparently the idea was for a cross between Simm Master and Roj Blake who had a wicked sense of humor and would force the Doctor to become all imaginative and novel to shake up everything.

In Adventuress he's just an irritating jerk who is responsible for ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING THAT HAPPENS WITHOUT EXCEPTION. Who then wanders off.

Jeez.