Dr. Who & The Kleptomaniac Fish People Of Doom (1)

(A fleet of flying saucers swoops over a futuristic space city full of gormless blonde humanoids called Thains.)

Klepton: (over PA) We are the Kleptons! We will take over your cities and your land! You Thains will be our slaves!


Thain: Who are they? Where have they come from?

Klepton: Bloody hell, don't you guys have ears?

Thain 2: What are they going to do?

Klepton: WE ARE GOING TO TAKE OVER YOUR CITITIES AND LAND AND MAKE YOU OUR SLAVES!

(The Thains are sucked up into the flying saucers.)

Thain 3: Help! Help! They're picking us up like toys!

Thain 4: Wheeee!

Thain 3: Stop that, Zontar! We're being kidnapped!

Thain 4: Yeah, but it's fun! Wheeeeeee!

(Inside one of the flying saucers, the Klepton pilot gloats from his bumper car.)

Klepton: Fine work, Kleptons! We have taken our hostages! The first stage of our plan to enslave the Thains is successful! Now for the second stage! And then... PROFIT!!!

(Thick creeper plants start to burst out of the ground and spread everywhere.)

Thain: Run for your lives! These creepers are growing at a fantastic speed! Which is, in and of itself, very odd! Since "creeping" means to proceed very slowly!

Thain 2: The Kleptons must be behind this!

Thain: Tcha! If it started to RAIN, you'd blame the Kleptons for that too...

(The Thains run to a public area where their bearded leader Valda is posing. As they listen, creepers start to pull down towers and buildings.)

Valda: My friends, we are doomed! We have lived in peace for so long that we have no weaponms to defend ourselves with! Unless help comes, the Kleptons will crush us!

(Long pause.)

Valda: I said, "UNLESS SOMEONE COMES!!!"

(Cut to Totter's Lane. A little boy and a little girl are approaching a junkyard.)

John: Number sixteen... that's Grandfather's number, Gillian!

Gillian: But it's only a yard, not a house at all!

John: I knew it! Grandpa's a wino!

(The kids cautiously enter the yard. A police box sits against the wall, door standing open.)

Gillian: A police box! Grandfather can't live in there - not after all the hard time he's done....

John: I've been told he's an inventor or something. Anyway, the door's open - I'm going inside!

Gillian: ...why?

John: He promised me some candy if I let him take pictures of me.

(They enter the police box and find themselves in a bright orange control room. An old man stands huddled on the other side of the control room.)

Gillian: But - but it's not a police box after all!

John: Excuse me, we're looking for our grandfather - Dr. Who!

Dr. Who: You must be John and Gillian. How nice to meet you. (to himself) I hope they don't come round this side of the console and find the Thai whore...

John: Wow! Look at these controls! What is this, grandfather?

Dr. Who: It is... er... a time-travelling machine. See - I can choose any year in the past or future!

Gillian: Golly - isn't it fun, John?

Dr. Who: Git your hand off my ass, Gillian.

Gillian: Golly - isn't it fun, grandfather!

John: Grandfather - what would happen if...?

Dr. Who: What happens if you touch that? I beat the snot out of you, that's what. You're in a frikkin TIME MACHINE, you little shit! You DO NOT just go around pushing random buttons in a time machine!

(Gillian presses the button.)

Dr. Who: God damn it!

(The police box spins around into a blur, kind of like Wonder Woman, then vanishes. Inside, Dr. Who and the children are throwing up everywhere.)

Dr. Who: You clumsy meddler! This is not a toy - it's a real time machine! We're rushing headlong into the future - to the 29th Century!

Gillian: The future! John, I'm frightened! Emote, dammit!

(The TARDIS lands. The trio head for the doors.)

Dr. Who: Right, I'll open the doors and we'll see where we are... and hopefully the lack of atmosphere and oppressive vaccuum will crush John's lungs into paste within seconds...

John: Come on, Gillian! Let's take a look outside at the future!

Gillian: Yeah, thanks for the obvious suggestion, John. What will we see?

John: Well, I'm sure we're going to see some really futuristic type stuff. You know, gleaming control panels. Flashing lights. That sort of thing. Not old mattresses.

(The doors slide open revealing piles of old mattresses.)

Gillian: Lame.

(John and Gillian emerge over the old mattresses and a Klepton flying saucer swoops towards them.)

Klepton: Capture them! They must not escape!

Klepton 2: Yeah, we get it, Mr. Redundant. Capture MEANS to "prevent from escaping".

Klepton: Just capture them! Take them as hostages!

Gillian: John - what are they? Help!


John: Grandfather! Quick! We're in terrible danger!

Dr. Who: Oh yeah, John. I'm rushing out as we speak.

(He doesn't move.)

Gillian: Grandfather - we're being attacked! Help!

Dr. Who: Running all the way.

(He still doesn't move. Gillian is sucked up to a flying saucer.)

Gillian: It's got me! It's got me!

Dr. Who: (still inside the TARDIS) Those machines must have some strange magnetic power! I always thought Gillian had adamantium fused to her skeleton...

John: That bug-eyed monster won't get away!

Dr. Who: "Bug-eyed monster"? That's not a nice thing to call your sister...

(John throws a rock at the saucer and the glass dome breaks.)

Klepton: Aaaagh! The dome is shattered! This is why it's not a good idea to make your war vehicles out of soap bubbles!

Dr. Who: Lovely shot, John! That should put a stop to him. Throw your sister, next time.

(Gillian drops to the ground.)

John: Gillian - are you all right?

Gillian: Apart from the scoliosis and being surrounded by evil Dr. Seuss trees? I'm doing just fine!

(The damaged saucer crashes and explodes.)

John: Wow! What a crash! He won't bother us again!

Dr. Who: Normally I am troubled by someone suffering a horrible, fiery death... but I'm fairly sure that guy owed me money. Let him burn.

Klepton 2: The strangers have wrecked out plans! We must return to base and report the loss of our leader!

Klepton 3: So he can call us "dolts and imbeciles" again? Fuck that! I'm hauling ass to Mexico!

Klepton 2: Mmm. Yeah. Actually, I'm not even sure who we should report TO, given we just lost our leader.

Klepton 3: Next stop: Mexico!

(The fleet of flying saucers hurtle off. The Thains approach.)

Valda: Greetings, Strangers! I am Valda, leader of the Thains! We thank you for saving us from the evil Kleptons!

Dr. Who: I am Dr. Who. My grandchildren and I will help you if we can - but who are these Kleptons? Why are they attacking you?

Valda: We do not know where they come from, Doctor - but they are determined to destroy our city and make my people their slaves! They have captured many Thains already and now these creepers shoot up and smash our buildings!

Dr. Who: Sounds like these creepers are pretty badass.

John: Since they smash more than they creep, shouldn't they be called "smashers"?

Gillian: Shut up, John.

Valda: The Kleptons will crush us! There is no defence against them - we have lived in peace for centuries and have no weapons.

Dr. Who: Rubbish, Valda. Why, even a well-aimed brick has sent them flying - imagine what a plank with a nail in it could do? We can and must defeat these monsters!

(John spots a building with MUSEUM written in a huge neon letters.)

John: Look - there's a museum! Surely you've got some weapons in there!

Valda: Yes, my young friend - but they are very old!

Dr. Who: A peashooter would be better than nothing! Come on, let's take a look!

Gillian: How many people actually keep weapons on display in a museum in firing condition anyway? Besides Henry Van Statten, I mean...

(They enter the museum. It is full of weapons in firing condition.)

Dr. Who: Splendid! Splendid!

Valda: These are heat guns, used in the 29th Century!

John: I thought this WAS the 29th Century...

Dr. Who: Shut up, John. Now, let's get them outside and see if they still work.

Gillian: Whoa. I've never seen rocket-powered dildos before...

(Outside, they set up the cannon.)

Valda: These capsules contain great power! I have had my people repair them! They should nw work perfectly and provide heat energy for the guns.

Dr. Who: Good work, Valda. Why are you using an old sewing machine as a gun? Can't we afford a better prop?

Thain 2: Valda! Valda! The Kleptons are returning!I would fight them, but I don't want to get my marching band uniform dirty...

Klepton: There must be no mistake this time! Crush the Thains!

Dr. Who: Battle stations! Fire you guns! Show them we mean business - before it's too late!

Gillian: I thought you were a pacifist, grandfather.

Doctor: Well... I refuse to use guns myself, but who says my grandkids can't lay the suppression fire for me? Now open fire, blast the Kleptons out of the sky!

John: I'm getting to that! Sheesh!

Klepton: The Thains are armed! Look out!

(John fires.)

John: Bullseye!

Klepton: Motherfucker!

(The flamethrowers blow up the returning saucers.)

Gillian: We've got them on the run, grandfather!

John: They won't come back for more in a hurry!

Dr. Who: Yes, it's hard to come back for more if you've been blasted into smithereens!

(Another saucer is blasted.)

John: (grinning) Great shooting, Thains! Keep it up - give them another dose! Make them see the COLOURS!!!!

Dr. Who: Whoa, he's getting off on this!

Gillian: Yep, John's a wicked little shit all right.

(The saucers flee. Again.)

Klepton: Away, away! We have suffered heavy losses! The strangers have given the Thains a new fighting spirit! We must report this immediately!

Other Klepton: ...or we can go to Mexico like everyone else.

Klepton: There is that option. Yes.

(The Thains rejoice.)

Valda: Doctor - how can we thank you? You and the children have taught us how to defeat our enemies!

Dr. Who: Can you hear yourself? You so suck. If only we knew where the Kleptons come from!

John: Kleptomania?

Dr. Who: Shut up, John. We must take the fight to them - catch them in their lair.

Gillian: Perhaps we can find a clue in their flying machines? That one isn't badly damaged.

Dr. Who: Well, actually, Gillian, if something is on fire and full of smoke, it usually IS badly damaged.

(They approach the wrecked and burning saucer.)

Gillian: I don't know. Do... do you like the colour?

John: Well, it hides the dirt.

Gillian: Oh. Well...

John: Listen, this is the first lot we've tried. We could go to a different one.

Dr. Who: Maybe not. But even so, it is clear that the Kleptons cannot survive in this atmosphere. When the globe was pierced, the Klepton crashed. I then forceably raped the Klepton to be sure he was dead.

(Everyone stares at Dr. Who.)

Dr. Who: ...what?

(In the Klepton stronghold, the Kleptons are telling their glorious leader how much they suck.)

Klepton: Eight of our craft were smashed, Klepton One. Three strangers have taught the Thains to fight!

Klepton 2: Plus, our natural cuteness really undercuts our evil intentions!

Klepton Leader: Useless fools! You have weakened my plan to make the Thains our slaves! Do you know how much effort I put into this plan?

Klepton 2: Three seconds?

Klepton Leader: SHUT UP!

Klepton 2: "I say we go to the Thain homeworld and make them our slaves!" Big plan!

Klepton Leader: SILENCE! Klepton One will not be mocked! And I will not be defeated! The Thains must be crushed! We shall make kissy faces at them to death! Soon all their rum shall be ours! And all their tropical fruit! And the little paper umbrellas, if they have them! Yes, we must not forget the little umbrellas! Now - intensify the creepers - drag their city to the ground!

Klepton: Wait... now we're going to drag the creepers' city to the ground? Aren't they on our side?

Klepton 2: How the fuck do you "intensify" a creeper anyway?

(Above ground, everyone is standing around looking stupid.)

Dr. Who: I wonder if we could repair this machine and make it fly?

John: Grandfather - the ground's trembling! What's happening?

Dr. Who: How the fuck do I know? What am I? A seismologist? It could be Mommasita Rosita's Burrito Grande plates you had for dinner you could be feeling... I am so getting rid of you little shits...

(More creepers arrive.)

Thain 5: The creepers! They will smash our city!

Thain 6: The Kleptons must be behind this!

Valda: Wow. You're finally getting that, huh? Oh, for a big bottle of weed-b-gone...

(A creeper engulfs John.)







John: Help! The creeper - it's got me!


Dr. Who: Got you? You could easily slip out!

John: Help!

Gillian: Grandfather - quick - the creeper's choking John!

Dr. Who: Why, it's simple equity child. You've caught John choking the old creeper often enough, hmm?

John: HELP!

Dr. Who: We need a weapon - it's too thick and strong for us to tackle. Perhaps we should think on it a bit. Over a nice lunch.

John: HEEELLLLLLPPPP!

Dr. Who: And a little walk afterwards. Oooh! A blast from a heat gun should do the trick! That way, grandson will have a tan before the life is crushed out of him...

Gillian: But take care you don't hit John! (beat) On second thought? Hit John.

John: What the fuck?! I wouldn't trust grandfather use a microwave, let alone a space laser...

(Dr. Who nukes the plant with the laser.)

Dr. Who: This should sing that overgroan aspidistra's testicles! Er, tentacles! Mind you, if I remember correctly, there aren't any creeping aspidistras anyway. Especially ones with testicles. Oh, Orwell wept!

(John escapes alive.)

John: Nice shooting, grandfather!

Gillian: I thought that creeper was going to crush you, John!

Dr. Who: No, no, no - tentacles never harm males! Haven't you seen enough anime to figure that out yet?

(Long pause.)

Gillian: Can we go home now?

(More buildings start to collapse.)

Valda: Soon our city will be a heap of rubble! I fear we must surrender to the Kleptons!

Dr. Who: But if you surrender, it wouldn't be a story! Maybe if you sacrifice my grandchildren...

Gillian: Why are we discussing this in a falling rock zone?!

John: For Pete's sake, don't give in, Valda! The Thains mustn't let the Kleptons enslave them!

Dr. Who: Yes, John's right - if you're determined to fight, we'll beat those bug-eyed monsters.Perhaps we can use Kleptonite against them?

Valda: If only we could find out where the Kleptons are hiding! They must have a secret headquarters somewhere!

John: Don't forget, we have one of their flying machines!

Valda: Well, I doubt I'll forget we have one of their flying machines WHILE WE'RE STARING RIGHT AT IT!

(Valda slaps the back of John's head.)

Dr. Who: There's no time to lose. We must repair this dome, get the machine into the air and try to find the Klepton's base.

(Long pause.)

Valda: Who's WE, pale face?