Monday, January 26, 2015

An Alternate Universe...

Jenna Coleman and Beth Behrs in 2 Broke Girls.

 Peter Capaldi and Kat Dennings in Doctor Who 2014.

Yes. This could have actually happened.

But were we robbed?

Dear Dead Ringers...

...seriously. Try harder.

I know that humour is a subjective concept, but originality isn't. Doctor Who has been around for over fifty years, that's five decades, and I think by now it's agreed that however funny they were at the time, some jokes are now stale and unfunny. Are you really expecting your listeners to burst into hysterical laughter when you mention Cardiff? That they will nod in approval at such biting satire that Dalek gunsticks look like egg whisks? After 52 years you really haven't been able to come up with any new jokes? Apart from those one liners from Nev Fountain that Doctor Who is shite and anyone who likes it are filthy scum-sucking oxygen-thieves even when it's a worldwide phenomenon and BBC-flagship television, but all you can think of are jokes is that it's cheap and for nerds?

Have the budget cuts affected the opportunity for new material?

If that is the case, feel free to use the following which has the most contemporary material to mock Doctor Who with since 2006 when you said the music was a little too loud.

(SFX - TARDIS lands. Door opens.)

DOCTOR: Och, Clara! Question! Why did you dump your boyfriend to travel through time and space with me?

CLARA: As if I could quit being your companion, Doctor. I've done this longer than some of your past selves - there's no chance I still have a career after this.

DOCTOR: I meant more specifically. Normally you wait until Danny is at work, or at the petrol station or something. You snuck out during sex.

CLARA: Well, the TARDIS is the only way to stretch him out for a while.

DOCTOR: Clara, this is a children's show!

CLARA: Yeah, you said that when we faced those giant slimy facehuggers that ripped our skulls open and sucked our brains out as milkshakes. And when everyone who ever died burned in silicon hell, were revived as zombies and then killed themselves all over again.

DOCTOR: Yeah, but there's no sex! Jon Pertwee would be spinning in his grave!

CLARA: He got turned into a Cyberman and exploded, remember?

DOCTOR: Oh yeah. Burned down an orphanage, didn't he?

CLARA: Full of special needs kids.

DOCTOR: Good times. But still, this show isn't suddenly dark and gritty, is it?

CLARA: Doctor, I think we're standing in entrails.

DOCTOR: Are we? It's so dark.

CLARA: Ahah!

DOCTOR: I meant the lighting. This is still a fun romp through time and space.

CLARA: Yes. And according to that sign over there we're at a gas chamber in a concentration camp for underprivileged children who have lost their puppies.

DOCTOR: That's an oddly convenient sign.

CLARA: Yeah, probably a story arc.

DOCTOR: Nevermind that, Clara! Look! Behold a monster worse than the Daleks or or... um, what are the others? The evil others, I mean, not the ones I turned into wacky sidekicks? Have we still got any of them?

CLARA: Um... the Slitheen?

DOCTOR: Och, no one remembers the Slitheen!

CLARA: Well, all the others are one-off wierd stuff like grafiti or cracks in the wall or invisible mummy vampire things on the Orient Express. In Space.

DOCTOR: Yeah, that one really needed to pick a genre and stick to it. But, anyway, look Clara and what do you see?

CLARA: An evil clown with fangs, mouth red with the blood of the innocent, moaning incoherently in pure evil and eyes wide from seeing things that should not be seen.

DOCTOR: Exactly! This is clearly that evil clown type thing from that episode of The Sarah Jane Adventures. Remember?

CLARA: Nope.

DOCTOR: It was a good one, it had an evil clown and balloons...

CLARA: No, I mean that's not it.

DOCTOR: Yes it is!

CLARA: It's not. It's Jerry Lewis.

DOCTOR: Don't be ridiculous, it's clearly an alien clown-shaped monster!

CLARA: Jesus Christ, it's Jerry Lewis!

DOCTOR: When am I ever wrong?

CLARA: How about when you were convinced Robin Hood was a robot? Or that the world was going to be destroyed by forests? Or that invisible, inaudible aliens were chasing you across the universe?

DOCTOR: You would bring those up, you malignant whore.

CLARA: It is Jerry Lewis. We are clearly on the set of The Day The Clown Cried.

DOCTOR: Of course! And you know why it cried, don't you? It wept!

CLARA: Oh, not the statues again. That is so old.

DOCTOR: Weeping Angels, Clara! Nazi Weeping Angels! Disguised as clowns! On a movie set! I'm just going to keep spitballing concepts till I get a winner. And they have no mouths, and four arses! And they used to be vegans!

(SFX - gunshot)

DOCTOR: Um, Clara. Did you shoot Jerry Lewis?

CLARA: It was for the greater good.

DOCTOR: Aren't we supposed to be role-models for impressionable viewers?

CLARA: You were really about that when you were in The Thick of It, huh?

DOCTOR: Ooh. Good point. I guess we just have to accept this dubious phyrric victory, have a few bitter and awkward silences, and do it all again next week.

CLARA: Yep. You better drop me off with Danny again.

DOCTOR: Clara. Wait. This is a vitally important question. Tell me honestly... am I as good as Jon Pertwee?

CLARA: You realize I'm a compulsive liar, don't you?

DOCTOR: Yes. That way I can interpret your answer anyway I like.

CLARA: This is setting a good example for the next generation.

DOCTOR: You bet. Och, you know, we should totally bring back the giant maggots...

(Theme music)

Saturday, January 17, 2015

Transcript of the Rejected Series 8 Opener

As we all know, the title sequence for Peter Capaldi's first series was nicked off youtube. In a curious coincidence, the original opening episode was abandoned and later put up on youtube. Frankly, I think we missed out...


(The Doctor is regenerating. Clara hides her eyes. The regeneration finishes. Clara covers her mouth in shock. The new Doctor starts up the engines and operates the console switches. A pause.)

Clara: Who are you?

(The Doctor looks up and gives her a long-suffering look.)

Clara: You're not the... the Doctor?

Doctor: Yeah.

Clara: No.

Doctor: You think you know me? (points at her) You know fuck-all about me! I am totally beyond the realms of your fucking tousle-haired fucking dim-witted compre-fucking-hension!

(Opening Titles)
On The Twelfth Day

by the Daryl Devine


(The TARDIS stands on a stone platform inside a cavern. Dim illumination comes through a hole in the cavern ceiling. There is the sound of water trickling on stone. Clara steps out and looks around. She smiles at the peaceful atmosphere. Through the TARDIS doors, the Doctor is fiddling with the console when it blows up in his face in a cloud of sparks.)

Doctor: Cunt!!!

(Clara stops smiling and looks back as the Doctor strides out of the TARDIS, letting the door shut behind him. The Doctor has shed his jacket.)

Clara: Where are we?

Doctor: We fucking time-traveled, yeah? We're in a wierd and wonderful world where everything is different! Maybe there's fucking robots knocking about and Davina McCall's the new pope?

(He turns away from her in disgust and heads back to the TARDIS. Clara turns and looks along the platform. Where it meets the cavern wall is a large circular hatch.)

Clara: Look at that.

(The Doctor stops at the TARDIS doors and looks back. He sees the hatch and then walks past Clara towards it.)

Doctor: Give us a minute could you please, luv?

(He reaches the hatch, studies it for a moment, then gets out his sonic screwdriver and starts zapping the mechanism. Clara joins him. She looks back along the platform and sees at the other end a tunnel leading into darkness. The air moans through it ominously. She looks back at the Doctor as he starts zapping the lock again.)

Doctor: Fuck.

(Unimpressed, she heads off into the dark tunnel.)


(Her booted feet move across the rough stone - and then clank against something barely-identifiable in the gloom, but the base of a bronze Dalek. Clara looks into the darkness and a blue glowing circle appears. Then another. Then two flashing lights illuminate the two Daleks as one groans loudly, breaking the silence.)

Dalek 1: EGGS! STIR!

Clara: Doctor...

(She starts to back away when another Dalek starts speaking in front of her. Its lights illuminate her face.)

Dalek 2: EGGS! STIR! MIN! ATE!

Clara: Doctor!!


(The Doctor doesn't look up from working on the hatch.)

Doctor: Not the time, luv. I'm busy, fuck off.


(Three Daleks, now fully activated, glide forward towards Clara.)



(Clara's paralysis snaps and she turns and runs off.)


(Clara runs up to the Doctor at the hatch.)

Clara: Doctor!

(The Doctor turns to face her, confused.)

Doctor: Did I not just tell you to fuck off and yet you're still here?

(A beam shoots out of the tunnel and explodes just behind Clara. The Doctor's eyes widen as the three Daleks emerge into the cave.)

Doctor: Oh, fuck!


(The Doctor turns and crouches by the hatch, using the sonic again.)

Doctor: Fuck!


(Clara crouches beside the Doctor as he works.)

Clara: Now... quickly...

Doctor: Yeah, yeah...

(The third Dalek open fire. The beam misses the Doctor and Clara and the hatch mechanism explodes. As the dust clears, they throw their weight against the hatch.)

Doctor: Come on! Unleash hell!

(The Daleks advance.)

Dalek 2: DOCTOR!

(The Doctor spins to face the Daleks while Clara keeps pushing at the hatch.)

Doctor: Yeah?


Doctor: Yeah.

(Clara pushes at the right-hand side of the hatch and it swings unwards, scattering loose dirt and rock.)


(The Doctor holds up his hands placatingly.)

Doctor: Yeah, okay. Fuckity-bye.

(He steps back through the open hatch, which Clara slams shut between him and the Daleks.)


(The Doctor and Clara stand in the reinforced circular tunnel in silence for a moment. There is no sign of the Daleks trying to get through the door. Satisfied, the Doctor turns and walks past Clara down the tunnel.)

Doctor: Right, I'm away to wipe my arse.

(Clara winces. The Doctor reaches the end of the tunnel and suddenly plunges out of sight. We can hear him crashing into things.)

Doctor: (muffled) Fucking! Ah... oh... ahh.. fuck...

(Clara stays where she is.)

Clara: Doctor?

Doctor: (vo) I've fallen down the fucking stairs, you silly cow!!

(Clara sighs and carefully heads down the unseen steps at the end of the tunnel. She does not see the rusted sign on the wall saying "SKARO ---- FALLOUT SHELTER".)


(The Doctor lies among a heap of metal barrels and canisters and oblong crates. He hangs his head as Clara carefully makes her way down a steep, wide metal staircase. As she reaches floor level, he painfully gets to his feet, then notices she seems to be staring into the distance.)

Doctor: Hi?

(He realizes she's looking behind him and turns around. Ahead of them is a walkway that leads to a wide-open area with six rows of eight transparent arched cubicles, each containing a bronze Dalek. They are arranged so the Daleks on either side of the area are facing each other. The Doctor and Clara stare at the display.)

Doctor: Hoards of fucking robots...

Clara: Daleks.

Doctor: Excellent. You win a year's supply of condoms.

(They make their way between the rows of inert Daleks. Clara looks afraid, as she sees an operating table with the body of a man dumped on it, hands and feet hanging over the sides. The Doctor walks past without looking, heading down the endless aisles of enveloped Daleks. Clara darts ahead of the Doctor, stopping him going any further.)

Clara: Now, what's the plan?

Doctor: Fuck all. I'm doing nothing.

Clara: Why? Shouldn't we be warning people?

(The Doctor shakes his head, incredulous.)

Doctor: No! Look, I'm not doing nothing.

(She glares disapprovingly at him.)

Clara: No?

(He waves his hands in mock-fright at her glare.)

Doctor: Oh, that will help!

(He glares back at her.)

Doctor: That is the way I want to play it, okay? I'm going for a walk!

(He turns at right angles and stalks off between the Daleks and out of sight. Clara watches him go. Past the Daleks are a set of metal silos with circular hatches in them. The Doctor storms off between them. Clara's shoulder slump, her expression miserable.)

Flashback Clara: (vo) You told me the name you chose was a promise. What was the promise?

Flashback Eleventh Doctor: (vo) Never cruel or cowardly.

Flashback War Doctor: (vo) Never give up, never give in.

Flashback Clara: (vo) Be a doctor.

(As she watches, the Doctor uses the sonic on a hatch. It opens. He enters, stops, then turns and looks back at her.)

Doctor: Come the fuck in or fuck the fuck off.

(She grimaces.)


(Scowling, the Doctor storms up the steps, leaving the hatch open. He shoves open the stiff hatch at the top of the steps and enters a wide room with tables, desks and control panels. An opening allows him to look out across the Dalek hive. He stops at the panel, stares at it and then switches on his sonic as he ponders where to start operating controls.)


(Clara sits outside, hugging her knees, looking depressed. She doesn't react as there is an explosion of sparks from the open top of the silo.)

Doctor: (vo) Cunt!!!

(The electronic heartbeat starts up. Clara leaps to her feet, horrified as all the Daleks in their containers start to howl "EGGS!" She looks around, seeing all the Daleks are waking up, and runs for a closed hatch on the silo base.)

11. SILO

(The Doctor looks down at the reviving Daleks with open-mouth horror.)

Doctor: Bloody hell... Jesus Christ...

(Clara runs onto the top floor. She stops as she sees a series of holographic screens have switched on, showing maps and displays. There is no sign of anyone else.)

Clara: Doctor?

(She hears something and turns to see the Doctor slumped agains another hatchway, trying to breathe through a panic attack. He turns and shoves the hatch, but it opens easily and he falls through and out of sight. Clara looks back at the holographic screens. Behind them rises a floating Dalek, then hundreds of others - and then Clara slams the hatch shut again. She is in a small chamber with the Doctor, who is slumped in the corner, looking guilty and upset.)

Doctor: What do we do?

(Clara regards him for a moment, then smiles kindly.)

Clara: What you've always done.

(The Doctor looks up at her, nonplussed.)

Clara: Be the Doctor.

(He considers that.)

Clara: Run, you clever boy.


(The Doctor and Clara run down an identical fallout tunnel. They come to a hatch, then work together to force the hatch open revealing another stretch of tunnel. This ends in another hatch. They try to force it, but it is clearly not just siff but locked.)

Doctor: Fuck...

(Behind them at the distant end of the passageway. There is an explosion and the hatch swings back to allow Daleks to glide out. The Doctor and Clara finally get the hatch open and sprint down another length of tunnel. The tunnel ends in darkness. They run out.)


(The stone chamber is small and a dead end. There is nowhere left to go.)

Doctor: Oh, god.

(Behind them, the last hatch opens and the Daleks arrive. The Doctor and Clara turn to face the Daleks as they finally catch up with them.)


(Daleks glide out, surrounding the pair.)

Doctor: Yeah.


Clara: Hang on...!

(The Doctor steps forward, placatingly, speaking quickly.)

Doctor: I'm really sorry! You won't hear any more swearing from us, YOU MASSIVE - GAY - SHIT!!!

(The Daleks stare at him.)

Doctor: FUCK OFF!

(There is a long pause. The Dalek leader fires at Clara. She crackles with energy, convulses and collapses at the Doctor's feet. The Doctor drops to his knees beside her and strokes her cheek.)

Doctor: (dully) Don't leave me.

Clara: (weakly) Run... run... you clever boy... and... remember...

(The Doctor looks at her, crestfallen as she passes out. There is a long pause.)


(The Doctor straightens up at looks at the Daleks calmly.)

Doctor: Fuck off, you miserable cunt.

Dalek Leader: EXTERMINA--

(With a mean right hook, the Doctor punches the Dalek's eyestalk and shatters the lens. The Dalek behind him is furious.)

Dalek 2: EXTERMIN--

(The Doctor whirls round and smashes its own lens with his left elbow. The Daleks start to close in, but the Doctor keeps them at bay with boxing kicks and blows the eyestalk. He dodges blasts, stopping the Daleks from getting to Clara. We see this down a narrow square air vent and pull back further and further, until we can only hear the carnage.)